Death - a Fixation

Two years ago, i made a single post and that was related to the death of a colleague. Once again i wish to make a post and this time around too, the topic hinges around death, the death of a loved one.

Raji was my wife of 16 years, the mother of my sons Zafar and Zubin. She passed away on the 21st of May 2008. Her trip home on the 20th of May 2008 was to be her last one and the news of her death, conveyed to me in vague terms resulted in the exclamation 'what will i tell my children'?. This is the story of her death as was told to me and as i experienced it:

May 3rd 2008 - Raji, Zafar & Zubin travel to Iritty, thats Raji's native place to visit her Parents and twin sister Rani.
May 6th 2008 - The trio return and accompanying them is Zeena, Rani's daughter who wishes to spend a few days of her summer holidays in Cochin a city compared to the outpost where she normally resides.
May 15th 2008 - Raji purchases a house in Cochin and her parents and Rani are present in Cochin at the time of Registration. They are returning in the evening to Iritty and Zeena is all packed and ready to go with them. I object, I tell Rani that I would take her back after Zafar's birthday.
May19th 2008 - Zafar is 15 years old today. He is having a few of his friends over for lunch. As preparation and cleaning up is difficult without help at home, Raji and I have decided that the treat will be at 'Dal Roti' a restaurant that Zafar likes. However there is a slight catch, Raji has a case scheduled for 11 am and is unsure as to whether she will be home in time while Zafar cuts his cake. Zafar solves the problem unknowingly - at about 12 he wants soft drinks for everyone. Soft drinks gulped down, no one wants cake as launch is at 1pm sharp. Around 12:30, Raji calls to say shes finished with the case and will be home shortly. Our motley group are present at Dal Roti at 1pm. Lunch ordered was in excess, Zafar's friends are poor eaters. On the house, we are served a cake of Carrot Halwa that Raji cuts alongwith Zafar. Back home, its sleep time for our stomachs are full. Rani calls to wish Zafar and tells me that Zeena must be taken home the next day as her school reopens on the 26th. I agree. In the meantime, I frighten the wits out of Zeena, I tell her that I'll leave her alone on the train, tell the guard to drop her off at Tellicherry etc, etc. The end result, the little one isn't sure that she'll be safe travelling with me.
May 20th 2008 - Raji goes for duty as usual and is back home at about 12:30pm. Zeena is dressed and ready to leave, but she is clinging to Raji and is not inclined to make the journey with me. Its my call, and I tell Raji to take her, I'm not inclined to take the risk of a crying child especially since the journey is sufficiently long. Raji is ready to go, but the boys object. THey do not want Mamma to go. Raji suggests that we can all drive down, I tell her thats shes out of her mind. Finally, the boy's objections are over ruled and Raji leaves with Zeena. The Boys go upstairs in a huff. They will not wish them bye. Raji and Zeena get into the car, but the car does not move forward, Zeena has not bid me good bye. The formalities over, the car moves, I turn back to see Zeena's suitcase at the garage door. I holler out to Raji, but the car has turned the corner. I call Raji on her phone and roll the suitcase over to them. As I hand over the suitcase, i comment that if its going to be this way, she'll most probably forget Zeena by the time she reaches Tellicherry. She smiles and for a difference, there are no harsh words on my part. That smile of hers is etched in my memory. Late at night, by around 10pm she calls to say that shes reached. She wants to talk to Zubin, but he is still angry, so I mimic him and she whispers sweet nothings telling him she'll be back the next day.
May 21st 2008 - The boys have had their breakfast and by 8:30 am, they're off to the barber's for a much needed haircut. 08:45, I'm on the computer for a few minutes of uninterrupted mail checking. 08:55, Rani is on the phone, Shes weeping bitterly and tells me to come over immediately, that Raji suffered a severe asthmatic attack and is serious. I am not inclined to believe her, but something in her tone tells me that I am wrong. I rush from home to pick up the children. But I have to know what Raji's condition is. I call Rani and ask her so. She is not willing to tell me anything, rather she wants me to talk to the Doctor. I ask the Doctor what her condition is and he prefers to tell me that they intubated her and this and that. Hes not answering me to the point, so I am blunt. I ask him "Is she gone?" His reply is still indirect, he tells me that her pupils were dilated when she was brought to the Hospital. I can only say "What will I tell my children". I call up Bapa and tell him the news, I can hear him cry. I tell him that Junaid is to come with us, because I am not willing to drive in this frame of mind. In the barber's salon, Zubin's haircut is just being completed. I almost pull him out of the chair, pay the barber and in the car I tell the children that we have to go to Iritty immediately as Mamma is not keeping well. We reach home and the children go up to change and pack. I tell Mummy and she starts crying out loud. I want her to quieten down, because I do not want the children to be upset. I call Alma and ask her to come and be with Mummy. The children are ready. We leave. On to Palluruthy to pick up Bapa & Junaid. Our journey is silent, theres nothing to be said. Zafar is unusually silent. I receive a few phone calls, each caller wanting me to confirm the news. All that I do is reply in monosyllables. We reach Kodungalloor, after the toll booth, Zubin wants a rest room break. We stop and relieve ourselves. Back in the car I feel I cannot carry on without telling the children. I tell them that Mamma will not be coming back home. They want to know why. I tell them that Mamma died. Zubin retorts "Don't tell lies". I tell them its true. They cry. Zubin for a very short time, then out of the window, a blank stare. Zafar had an inkling of the bad news from Mummy's loud cry, yet there was a hope that his Mamma would still be alive. The children want o bring their Mamma back home to be buried in Fort Cochin. I am able to convince them that the only consolation that we can give their maternal grandparents and twin sister is laying her to rest in her hometown. That would be our link to them, returning to Mamma's last resting place. I too traveled with the hope, that she would have a little breath left in her and that when we reached she would wake up and come back home with us. False hopes laid to rest when we saw her supine body laid out in the mobile freezer. My Raji, who stood up to anything I threw her way, lying cold and immobile never again to smile, fight, argue, agree. I was willing to believe in any god/religion if only she would come back to me. But that was not to be so. She was gone forever. No number of Sorries would bring her back to me, I may have won the battles, but she won the war. She turned up her nose at me and left me high and dry, floundering to face life with my sons alone. I know that she would never have wanted to go, because in her mind, she was only starting to achieve her dreams.
I loved and I've lost
May22nd 2008 - 3pm, we take Raji from home for the very last time. We bury her mortal remains in St Thomas Forane Church, Kunnoth, Iritty, Kannur. My sons carried their Mamma to her last resting place. Brave Boys, they give me the strength and courage to carry on.

why choose death

i've always been intrigued by the choice that some individuals make regarding their death. in short, i'm intrigued by suicide, all the more when someone i know has taken his own life.

just a week or two ago, a colleague of mine chose to end his life. he hung himself to death. the shock of this action was all the more greater only because he was reported to have been in office till about an hour or so before he took his life. the time that he spent in office prior to his suicide did not give the people he had interacted with any inkling regarding his impending action. his resulting action has left all of us groping in the dark for a reason to attribute to his action, but we are still left groping. this void, of not knowing the reason, makes it even more difficult to accept reality that one life has been snuffed out.

would having known the reason, preempted a reaction from us so that this gruesome end could have been avoided? maybe. even that is not 100% sure. because, in the end what matters is the decision of the individual. you can take a horse to the water, but you can't make it drink. similarly, you can advice all you want, but its upto me to decide whether i will abide by the advice or strike out on my own.

i believe that the decision to take ones own life requires a great deal of mental courage. you are very well aware of what you intend to do to yourself and that you steel yourself to do it speaks volumes about your determination. but, if only that determination and strength of mind was utilized to overcome the pressures you faced, to surmount the odds that were pushing you under, would it not have resulted in an experience that made life even more worth living, because you would have discovered a new facet of yourself, a facet that you doubted that you had.

yes, death is the only solution to life. what is born must die. but taking your own life, how does it solve anything. it only makes even more questions crop up. the first being, why did you do it? and when satisfactory answers are not readily available, then starts the blame game, and some of this can get really vicious leading to others getting depressed, being blamed for something they were not responsible for. true, in this fog of the unknown reason, anyone who had a reason to cause you to take this dastardly step always has the chance to go scot free.

so many days down the line, sketchy details regarding the reason for my colleague's suicide is being made known. it is now known that he did leave behind a suicide note, one that has names, names of his friends that supported him and names of foes that threatened him. investigations alone will lead this to a proper conclusion, why he did resort to this step?

anyway, way down the line, this emotional upheaveal will be replaced by a sense of what to do? its but fate, and this loss becomes a memory and a statistic and yet, we would not have managed to overcome our feeling of guilt for having let it happen. but, for the majority, i guess the words of Queen's song would hold good, 'don't try suicide, nobody gives a damn'.

so its better alive than dead, let death come naturally. be happy as long as you live and surely you will find a solution to the problems that life throws up.

a new experience

this is my first time. how many times would you have read this sentence or even said something like this. i am not experiencing a feeling of ecstasy like when i lost my virginity, rather, i feel a bit overawed. i do not know exactly how this works, but i'm sure that in the days to come, i will surely get the hang of it and feel more comfortable.

will i bare my soul, i am not so sure, but i sure as hell will write what i want. so, as this is the first time, let me be brief or short and sweet. Good Day, till the next time.